Today i intended to refresh all e past memories we had together. & indeed all of us had done that. & whats worse for me is along with e good old tyme comes with e old wound bck again. Just lyke b4 you treated me, the disgust look you gave. The unwanted word you describe me. Do you have to make me feel like theres nothing left of me? Would it make you feel better to watch me while i bleed. The sad thing is that, you, the both of you are some1 that i really care about. To be treated & said something like that by you guys all over again nvr failed to make me feel lyke im e worse ever. Can you or have you for once consider how i will feel? Is it that hard? It was just that nyte you guys make me happy & now, why make me cry all over again? I cant hate you because you ppl are soo important in my life. What choice do i have? The old wound that is slowly healing, why cut it open bck? The sudden change is confusing me & im not that smart to see e reason why. Im really tired, really i am to live that kinda life again. Must it be until i beg & breakdown infront of you telling that i have feelings too then will you understand. what is it must i do to just tell all of you that i hate e kinda life im in with you ppl tearing me apart, crushing my pride & throwing my confidence away. I dont even know now what the hell i am. Who is the real me cause everytime this happen, the real me are always overshadowed by a girl who know nothing than pretending. & for how long it will keep on going, i seriously dont have the answer for that. Below is a post that ive written on e 1st april 2011 over the same situation :
Remember the tyme when we used to walk together with our arm linked. Thinking that every move we make will be us together. Never have i felt any more fortunate than having you people by my side. Never have i been afraid to be myself as i know you accept me for who i am. The tyme we spent with e rest are precious & i thank god everyday for blessing me with a group of ppl that i can't live w/out. You guys were my strength when i thot things are not good. I lean on you ppl as my pillar when sometymes im tired of e worst. When i feel lyke crying you bring back my laughter and my smile. Never once in my day with you guys end w/out laughing. I tell others that i dont need anything else. That i have no other concern because ive already have you guys. But wait. Was it all this while just me? Am i the only one that think too much of it. Were you not have the same thinking as me? Then where are all the tyme when you said we will always be together? Other ppl started it but why you have to continue it? When they gave me hard tyme im fyne with that cause i know i still have you to depend on. But when its you that pushed me where can i go. what will i say to the others that i keep boasting about how great you are. Why make me someone that im not when im with you ppl now? Why make me meet with my downfall when im trying to survive? Are what they say not enough that you have to add in? We start the race of our life together with our hands tightly holding to one another. But in e middle of the race you increase your pace. You know im not good at it. You know im not that strong. Yet you make me trying to catch up with you. Once i hope that you will turn ard & see the gap that you make between us. Turn back and see who you have left behind. See who is trying to catch up with you. I have no choice cause ive wriitten only you ppl name on my past presence and future. So all i have to do is to make sure that i can keep up the pace. & when at tymes ive catch up. Not once have you asked. is it hard? Just a simple appreciation for the sweat of catcthing up with you guys. Instead you run with others leaving me yet again. Have you not seen the bruise that i had when running towards you. Have you not seen the tears i ve cried ? Or you have seen but cant be bother. If only you have seen will you still leave me. We used to be soo closed tho we are far apart but now even when you are just beside me we seem to be soo far apart. Are we soo closed that you dont realise how much you have hurt me with ur words? That you dont give a damn about how i feel. why? god damn it, why? why do i have to hide my self when im with my friend that i know for as long as i live. Why do i have to see myself getting embarass. Its really hard. really it is. I cant seem to catch up with you guys anymore. Slowly im stopping. luckily i have my other 2 who stood with me thruout everything. Not once have i hate you. Neither do i want to. because it hurts soo much to think about all the stuff we used to do during the tyme when nothing else matters but us. Never have i imagined that i will lose in this race. When you have reach where you are heading, this tyme dont ever look back cause it will give me hope that you are still searching for me. I dont want to start running just to be dissapointed again. I will stop here. i will create another track for me to run so i wont be behind you again. Try once being in my spot and tell me if im wrong.
Angels♥
09:59
Sunday, 14 August 2011